Anger Management
by Sirius Blaak
Summary: What happens when two inexperienced mediators try to rid the world of evil? You'll find out! written with taffytheterrible04 This story used to be under Xovers, but I changed it to HP becasuse Voldy becomes our main character.
1. Don't hug Slade

**Welcome to Anger Management, the story that is NOT modeled after the movie, which I have actually never seen! Well, my partner taffytheterrible04 has, but oh well. We worked on this story together, and we would just like you to know that we own absolutely all of the characters in this story and we live in a mansion at the beach and we're filthy stinking rich.**

**Yeah right. Actually, the only characters we own are Lark and Anna. and the Realizer of course. Which we actually invented and is going on sale in about a month, so look at your local Home Depot for it! Again, another yeah right.**

**And Lark is modeled after me and Anna is modeled after taffytheterrible04. and we might be turning this into a youtube movie, so if you like the story, please watch the video once we make it! (this time it's not a yeah right!)**

**enjoy the story, and please review!**

_What would written works be like without evil?_

That was the question posed to an English class in the not so distant past. The assignment following the question was simple enough: write a one page essay response with examples from actual texts. The answer to the question, however…. Well, that is a story in itself.

Yet it was this simple question that led two teenage girls on the adventure of a lifetime.

The girls began to think, and I mean really think, about a worthy answer to this question. They were the type that took things to the next level, that went beyond the essay and actually thought about what they were writing.

The girls came up with an invention: the Realizer. Yes, just the Realizer. No corny 2000 after it. After all, it only took them one try to invent this, not 2000.

This Realizer would bring any book, movie, or television show character to life. This invention is what led the girls on their quest. They were determined to see what the written world actually would be like without evil. They were determined to bring all the villains from everything to life and teach them to be good.

How do I know all this? Well, I'm one of those girls. I helped my partner in crime-fighting train all these evil characters to be good, and we wreaked havoc doing so.

Oops.

Our names are Lark and Anna, and this is our story.

- - - - -

"Come on, Lark, what are we going to do for this stupid English assignment?" Anna cast her eyes upon her friend, who was at the moment gazing out the window at the birds playing in the slightly rusted copper birdbath on her porch.

This statement seemed to jerk Lark out of her reverie, and she turned to her friend with a frown on her face.

"It's not stupid; it's for a grade!" Lark said. "Anything that will boost my grade above a 98 percent is a very good thing!"

"Does your mom still have that rule that if you don't get above a 98 in all your classes you have to clean all your dad's mechanical tools with a toothbrush?"

"Yeah, but on the up side, I've learned how to use them all!"

"Hey, why don't we put your new skills to use?"

"What do you mean?" Lark looked at her friend, her frown fading and a look of bewilderment crossing her face instead.

"Let's build a machine!" Anna's face lit up with excitement. "We can build a machine that can help us with this essay!"

"But that's cheating!" Lark's frown was back. "And if my mom finds out I'm cheating, she'll make me shave my head!"

"Oh, so that's why last year–"

"Shut up!"

"Anyway, the machine won't be cheating! All we'll do is make all the evil characters from everything come to anger management classes!"

"And where are we going to find mediators stupid enough to believe that all these made up characters are real and actually want to be good?"

"Umm…"

- - - - -

So you see, that is how our adventure began. The two of us put our heads together and made that machine, the Realizer.

Everything seemed foolproof, but it was Anna's idea, so of course it wasn't.

Our machine worked just the way it was supposed to, the villains were filling out our application forms left and right, and we had read every single book available on mediation.

We were ready to start mediating the villains.

The only problem was that the essay was due in a week, and all the books said it took several months for complete rehabilitation. Oh well. We figured we'd deal with that later…

- - - - -

"Here's an application from Severus Snape," Anna handed the sheaf of parchement bearing Snape's spiky handwriting to Lark. "What do you think? I never really though he was evil…"

"Are you kidding?" Lark grabbed the paper so violently that it tore. "He's the evilest of evil! He's a yes for sure!" Lark carefully flattened the paper out, and put it in the 'Yes' bin. Then she lifted a sheet bearing the name SLADE. After hugging and sniffing it, she placed it in the 'Yes' bin.

"You are so weird," Anna said, rolling her eyes.

"How about Dante?" Lark held out a piece of paper to Anna.

"Lark, I know you didn't like the Inferno, but Dante's not that bad!" Anna grabbed the paper and crumpled it up, and threw it in the garbage instead of the 'No' bin.

"I meant the Full Metal Alchemist Dante, but whatever," Lark shook her head.

The girls looked over all their application forms until they had a list of about twenty villains.

"You think twenty is good?" Anna asked, flipping through the papers in the 'Yes' bin.

"Hmm…" Lark thought for a few seconds before asking, "What's your favorite book?"

"Les Miserables!" Anna said, grabbing one of her five copies of the book off her shelf and smiling extatically.

"Who's the villains in that?"

"Society?" Anna said, paging through the gigantic book.

"Nah, too broad," the girls said in unison.

"I think we have enough," Anna said, handing Lark the papers.

"All right, the list of villains is," Lark cleared her throat before going through the papers, "Slade from _Teen Titans_, Voldemort from _Harry Potter_, Saruman from _Lord of the Rings_, Habib from _24_, the Wizard and Elphaba from _The Wizard of Oz_ and _Wicked_, Jean Grey from _X Men_, Captain Barbossa from _Pirates of the Caribbean,_ Doctor Cobaltous from _Quantum Rangers, the Comic Book_, President Logan from _24_, Darth Vader AKA Anakin Skywalker from _Star Wars_, Dracula from _Dracula_, Naraku from _Inu Yasha_, the Grim Reaper from _The Underworld_, Wadsworth AKA Mr. Boddy from _Clue_, the White Witch from _Narnia_, Alan York AKA Kevin Carroll from _24_, Severus Snape from _Harry Potter_, Terra from _Teen Titans_, Darth Sidious from _Star Wars_, and the killer bunny from _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_."

"Well, send out these acceptance letters and tomorrow we start counseling!" Anna said, handing Lark a stack of envelopes.

"This is gonna be so much fun!" Lark said, taking the envelopes and skipping toward the door.

"Just promise me one thing," Anna said, and Lark stopped in her bouncing and turned. "Don't hug Slade."

"I'm very sorry, Anna," Lark said seriously, "but that's a promise I won't be able to keep!"


	2. Down Boy!

**Villains: Slade (_Teen Titans_), Voldemort (_Harry Potter_), Wadsworth (_Clue_), Naraku (_Inu Yasha_), Elphaba and the Wizard (_Wicked_ and _The Wizard of Oz_), Habib Marwan (_24_).**

**Disclaimer: Yup, we're spending our money right now because we're rich since we own all these characters and everything. Yeah, and Voldemort's not British.(Voldy; Hey, that's not nice!) Right. If you believe that then, sorry, but there's no hope for you...**

* * *

"Slade!"

"Get away from me, freak!"

"Lark, I told you, 'don't hug Slade!' The evil might rub off on you!"

"Sorry," Lark quickly released Slade and returned to the plush vintage armchair that she was sitting in. There were two of these armchairs in the circle, in addition to twenty lawn chairs.

"All right, everyone, come in and take a seat," Anna opened the door for the rest of the villains.

The seats filled quickly, and soon the villains were all looking nervously around, their eyes darting from their fellow villains to the 'counselors.'

"So, who wants to introduce themselves first?" Lark asked, looking around the circle. Slade recoiled when she looked at him.

When no one volunteered, Anna pulled a list out of her pocket. On it were the names of all the villains present.

"I guess I'll have to pick one of you," she said, waving the list threateningly.

"Fine," Voldemort said, looking sulky. "I'll go first." He stood up. "Hi everyone, I'm the evil dark lord Voldemort, and anyone who calls me Voldy will die! Um, I mean, I love being called that…" He rolled his eyes. "Anyway, I've killed lots of people who hate me, I've tried to take over the world, and I've murdered lots of innocent people who've never heard of me. I tried to kill a little boy, and have kept trying for all those sixteen long years." He paused, taking a deep breath. "All right, I'm sorry. I'll stop killing people, buy a farm in the country, and adopt orphans and puppies with no homes. Can I go now?"

"Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England," Anna said, rolling her eyes. "Shut up and sit down."

Looking dejected, Voldemort sat down, his lower lip quivering. Wadsworth (AKA Mr. Boddy) pulled out his hankie, and offered it to Voldy, who was on the brink of tears.

"Thank you," Voldy said, and took the hankie. He blew his nose loudly, which was a very stunning feat, seeing how he doesn't have one. Then, folding up the hankie, he gave it back.

Wadsworth seemed unfazed by this, and put it back in his pocket. Then he put an arm around Voldy. It was soon discovered that he had a knife, with which he was trying to slit Voldy's throat. Luckily, the evil villain on Voldy's left, Naraku, saw this and, closing his eyes, summoned some of his famous flying demons. These demons closed around Wadsworth's hand, making him drop the knife.

"There will be no summoning demons in here, Naraku!" Lark jumped up. "And Wadsworth, no killing Voldy."

Hearing this name, Voldy jumped up as well, enraged. He leapt at Lark , drawing his wand. Lark pulled out a spray bottle and sprayed him in the face with water. _(A/N: Down, boy!)_

On the other side of the room, Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West, stood up and attempted to run for the door.

"Get that water out of here!" she screamed as Anna chased her. "What are you trying to do, kill me?" She paused, both in talking and running. "Wait, don't answer that." Anna took her arm and dragged her back to her seat. "What am I doing here anyway? I'm not really evil. All I did was try to free the oppressed flying monkeys!" She pointed at the wizard. "Now he's the evil one!"

"I am not!" the wizard shouted as Elphaba took her seat. "All I did was come here by hot air balloon! Besides, that's no way to talk to your father, young lady!"

"This is good," Lark said, smiling, still holding the spray bottle, with Voldy lying at her feet, whimpering. "You're working out your differences."

"Oh you Americans, you just can't settle your differences like civilized people," Habib Marwan said as he reached for his hip, where he was conveniently hiding the gun he had stolen from Jack Bauer.

"Marwan, Habib, or whatever, give it here," Anna walked over to him, holding out her hand. Then, looking like a puppy caught with a slipper stolen from a closet, he gave her the gun. Anna carelessly dropped it in her purse, where it went off.

"Dammit, why wasn't the safety on! Marwan are you crazy, you could've shot yourself! Or worse, us!" Anna cried.

"Oops," Marwan said, rolling his eyes. "'My bad' as you American imperialist dogs say."

He was interrupted by a howl from the Dark Lord as he writhed in pain on the ground holding his foot. As everyone watched, they noticed dark red blood leaking onto the floor.

"Why me?" Voldy cried. "I'm not even American!" He paused here, thinking. "Heck, I don't even know if I'm human!"


	3. Pet the Armadillo

**Villains in this chapter: Voldy (again), Darth Vader (_Star Wars_), President Logan (_24_), Doctor Cobaltous (_Quantum Rangers_), Slade (again), Terra (_Teen Titans_), and Captain Barbossa (_Pirates of the Caribbean_).**

**Dedicated to Gwyn. Loosely inspired by I Harth Darth (dot com). It's a very entertaining site. You should visit it. And of course, we don't own any villains, but we own Buddy and Ralph!**

* * *

"Stop whining, you little crybaby," Anna said impatiently as Voldy writhed on the floor. "It's not that bad!"

All the villains turned as one to watch Voldy, clutching his bloody foot, hop back across the circle of chairs to his seat.

"Want a band-aid?" Darth Vader held out a pink band-aid with Barbie on it. "I gave one to little Lukie when I cut off his hand."

"You cut off your son's hand? Good God, no wonder you're in here!" President Logan put a hand to his forehead. Darth Vader turned to look at him, his false red eyes blazing.

President Logan let out an earsplitting scream. Then, as Voldemort hopped by him, band-aid in one hand and his foot in the other, blood splashed onto his pants, making him scream louder. A second later, the other twenty two people (and creatures) in the circle noticed a small wet spot appearing on the ex- President's pants.

"Um… excuse me? Will somebody fetch me the National Security Advisor… and a clean pair of khakis?"

"Here," Lark dug into the bag by her chair and pulled out a diaper. "This'll do." Turning red, the ex- President took the diaper. "The bathroom's across the hall." President Logan exited the room.

"Hey, why does he get to leave?" Doctor Cobaltous twirled his smarmy moustache evilly. "Even though I'm stuck in here, at least my new apprentice, Quantum Ranger number three, is still out there." He paused. "Whoops, did I say that out loud?"

"You have an apprentice?" Slade looked over at Doctor Cobaltous. "Is he loyal?" Slade cast a look over at Terra, whose eyes turned yellow. Lark squirted her in the face with the water bottle.

"First, my apprentice is a she. And second, DUH! Who doesn't have a loyal apprentice?"

Slade's head dropped onto his chest.

"Here Slade," Anna held out an armadillo. "Pet the armadillo; it'll make you feel better." Slade stuck out his hand hesitantly, then began stroking the armadillo's back. "Good boy." She put her armadillo on Slade's lap, and he kept petting it.

"Don't I get an animal?" Captain Barbossa pouted.

"Here, you can meet Buddy!" Lark was holding onto the leash of a giant, black pit bull that was foaming at the mouth. His sharp yellow teeth were bared, and he growled at the Captain.

"I love him!" Barbossa exclaimed. "Does he fetch?" He pulled out a golden medallion and held it out to Buddy. "Here, sniff the medallion." Buddy pulled out of Lark's grasp and ran over to Barbossa, sticking his nose on the medallion. Barbossa pulled it back and threw it across the room. It landed, ironically, on Voldy's lap.

"Oh no," Voldy's eyes widened. Buddy bounded over to him and jumped on top of him, taking the medallion in his mouth. "Um, good boy?" Voldy pet Buddy on his head while being pinned to the ground by the giant dog's paws. Buddy sniffed him, then licked him on his face.

"He likes you!" Lark said happily.

"Are you sure this animal therapy will work?" Anna whispered to Lark as the two girls watched Buddy cover Voldy's face with saliva.

"Of course it will! I read it in a book, so it has to!"

"If you say so…"

"Besides, look at Slade!"

Slade still had the armadillo, but he was now holding it.

"I love this little guy!" Slade hugged the armadillo.

"His name's Ralph," Anna came over and gently pried the armadillo from Slade's grasp. "We need to give someone else a turn, Slade.

"All right," Slade muttered dejectedly. Anna walked over to Doctor Cobaltous and handed him the armadillo. The armadillo stood on its hind legs and pulled Doctor Cobaltous's smarmy moustache off his face with his teeth.

"Hey, I paid good money for that fake moustache!" Doctor Cobaltous grabbed it back and held Ralph in front of him. "I'll stick you in a pool of distilled water and drop Francium in it if you're not careful!"

Anna snatched Ralph back while Lark squirted the Doctor (who by the way had neither a PhD nor a medical degree; he just liked being called Doctor) with water.

"You've lost your armadillo privileges," Anna shook her finger at Doctor Cobaltous. Then she looked at her watch. "And can someone go check on President Logan? He's been in the bathroom for a while."

Darth Vader stood up and crossed the room to the door.

"I'm not sure that was the best idea," Lark shook her head. She took the armadillo from Anna and passed it to Terra. "Your turn." She smiled, but when she turned around she stuck out her tongue.

"Can I have some help over here?" A rather strangled voice came from the floor. Voldy was still trapped underneath Buddy, despite Barbossa's attempts to get him off.

"Buddy! Come here, boy!" Lark called him over, and Buddy came, the medallion swinging from his mouth.

"Can I have that?" Captain Barbossa held out his hand.

"No," Anna took the medallion from Buddy and dropped it into her purse.

"No! I'm not going in there!"

Everyone turned to look at the door, where Darth Vader was pulling President Logan into the room.

"Come on," Darth said impatiently. "No one will laugh at you, I promise." He tugged the ex- President into the room, who was wearing the diaper Lark had provided.

Everyone burst out laughing.

"Hey, you promised!" President Logan's lip quivered.

"Well, you're a politician," Darth shook his head. "You should know better than to listen to promises."

"This isn't fair! I'm a president!"

"_EX_- President," Anna said pointedly.

President Logan burst out crying. He sank to the floor, bawling his eyes out. Darth Vader offered him a flower-patterned hankie.

"Here, Mr. President," Anna snatched the armadillo from Terra, "pet the armadillo. It'll make you feel better."


End file.
